It’s kind of funny, really. Yesterday someone called me a “perfectionist” and it caught me completely off guard. So naturally, I laughed it off and told them to “stop talking stupid” (great rebuttal), but still they stood by their assessment.
So when talking with various friends & family on the phone today, I casually brought it up and …. ((crickets)) Then a “well, yeah”. WHAT?
I’ve been stunned. All day.
Like, the world and its daily trials, tribulations, and headlines weren’t crazy enough for me today … because now, I’ve found out that I’m a perfectionist.
It’s fine, I’m only on my 4th glass of wine and I still don’t know why this bothers me.
Okay, maybe I do. I think I always associated a “perfectionist” as being someone much more adult/responsible than I am. And you can call me a lot of things, but “responsible” is probably not ranking the highest on that list. I mean, I literally do nothing that I’m supposed to do when it comes to so many facets in my life … so how am I a perfectionist?
And then someone broke it down for me tonight …
“You want perfection from whatever represents the things that truly matter to you.”
And it was like someone flipped the switch. I got it.
One look at my email inbox and I see…I drive the point home. My husband and I spent over 6 hours in my basement getting the sound and light quality right for a 5 minute video that I needed to send out. (To be fair, this is brand-new equipment and neither of us has any idea what we’re doing. So, there is that.) I’ve been looking to adopt a rescue pup but I won’t apply for the first cute dog I see because, that just doesn’t feel special. Also, I have to consider my profession and how before this – if I wasn’t on stage or in a studio somewhere, then I was constantly spending time with my tiny nieces and nephews. I mean, even this blog post … I’ve been putting off writing for / posting that I even have a blog because I haven’t had the time to make it look how I know it could.
So whatever. I’m a perfectionist now.
I’d apologize for it and tell you that I’ll work on “loosening the reigns” but the truth is … I won’t. For the first time in a very long time, I have a vision. And though I’ve admittedly struggled throughout this pandemic, this is not an aimless wander. I know exactly what I’m walking towards.
I’ll tell you it’s liberating to recognize your path and stay the course, because it is. But there’s a heaviness that comes with it too. To know, without a shadow of a doubt, what you are supposed to be doing with your life and purposefully not do it is a weight you drag along. But also, to recognize your purpose, pursue it with all your might, and continuously hit dead-ends and detours is also a cement block resting on your chest. And truthfully, I don’t know that you strike a “balance” with any of it until you’ve “made it”. And even then, how many people have we seen foolishly fall from grace and lose it all? But hey … if everyone chased the crazy, it wouldn’t be crazy anymore.
I’m whole-heartedly grateful for the talent and the fire that God instilled in me as a child. I am blessed that I still have the opportunity to share that with you today … and yes, I want it to look like I care, because I do. I thank the Lord for the family that I come from, my friends that are just a phone call away, and a husband that lifts me towards the light on the days I want to stay in the dark.
I need you guys and I have a feeling, you need a voice that resonates with you too. Maybe you find it here. Maybe you don’t. But either way, I have your hear for the moment and there’s so much I want to share with you … and I’m goin to … imperfections and all.