The “before” and the “after”

It’s been one month in this new life.  The world as I knew it – divided into a “before and “after” instantly.  I’ve been searching for words beautiful enough to describe the light that always surrounded her and centered anyone in her presence.  Truth is, I’ve been writing nonstop since she passed.  Scribbles in assorted notebooks.  Voice memos in the middle of grocery store.  The white light of my computer screen, drawing me into a thought and keeping me up too late.  Admittedly, my battle with perfectionism has kept so much from being shared and yet she never wavered in her belief that I could heal, myself and others, once I let it go. No one encouraged me, supported me, or gave me a ‘tough love’ talking to more than Susan Tucker.  From our first time in the studio when I was just a chubby-cheeked teenager who thought she knew it all – she stood beside me in every personal and professional high and low, right up until the day before she passed away.  She is the voice to my inner “knowing” – talk about a gift that keeps on giving. 

Over the last 6 months of her life, while her body was fading, her light was as radiant as ever that all we could do was lean in and listen.  There was no person or performance more important or deserving of my attention than sitting in the warmth of her words.  And because I was finally listening, I was able to receive everything she wanted to leave us with to learn from.   I will cherish and create from this place for the rest of my life.  

It’s been a month of tears and smiles to myself.

I am sad but I am certain.  

While I am thankful that our physical time together on this earth got an end with an ending  – her and I both know that there is still more to the story and she trusted me to tell it.  

She left this hole in my heart and she wants me to use it.    

And so I will.

For her.  For me.  For all of us.

Stay tuned.

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