Day One.

It’s a Monday and it’s November 1st.

For whatever reason, kicking off a new month at the top of the week has always held significance for me. It’s kind of like New Year’s or a birthday – a reset, if you will. A chance to pay attention and not get stuck saying (once again), “Man, this month just flew by!”

Because the truth is, every month has been flying by. And even truer, every month seems to be racing past me even faster than the one before it. I hear that this is a natural part of adulting – that the older you get, the quicker the year.

This year has been definitively divided for me. There is the 2021 before Memorial Day and there is a 2021 after June 1st. I’ll explain more on that soon. But that’s not what today’s post is for.

Today’s post is a recommitment post, much like a vow renewal. I am publicly rededicating myself to writing, regardless if anyone else cares. I care. And I’m really starting to understand that that is more than enough in and of itself. And while it would be wonderful if whoever did come across these posts found something that resonated within them, I’m going to write it anyway. Because this is not for “content” – there is nothing to promote here.

This is me forcing myself forward on a journey to rediscover and strengthen my ability to express the tornado of emotions that have been swirling within me for some time now. I use the world “forcing” because that’s what this feels like for me today. And writing every morning will probably feel more of a ‘chore’ than a labor of love for a while until it doesn’t. There’s also the chance that it never gets easy, but I understand that it doesn’t make it any less necessary.

So you might be thinking, “That sounds like more work than it’s worth. Why do it?”

Because the emotional tornado isn’t slowing down, if anything it’s picking up speed. And I’m well aware that it can’t stay contained in my skin much longer.

Maybe that sounds dramatic to some, but I’m willing to bet that there are plenty that know exactly what I mean. Because when life keeps hitting you with hard lessons you didn’t think you’d have to learn, it’s exhausting to fake like you’re excited to go to class and be present for it all. And equally exhausting, the partial admittance: Things are tough right now but I’ll figure it out.

The only way I’m “figuring this out” unscathed is if someone slips me the answer sheet to the test. But apparently that’s not how this works. I’m already in the heartache, that can’t be undone. Standing in the middle of it, waiting for it to pass has had me overwhelmed and weighed down for 5 solid months. It’s not passing, no helicopter is coming to lift me out of it. So I’m starting to understand that the only way out is through. There is no getting to ‘the other side’ without my own two feet walking through it and healing.

So this blog is me walking.

Day One.